January 20: Gastric

Since the operation, I’ve been in pain. Pain around the scar and all my tummy muscles, which were sliced to smithereens. Pain on the inside where they sliced bits away. Sooo much pain in the night from excruciating wind (don’t laugh – it’s not funny – I now know why babies cry so much). Pain that makes me exhausted to be alive (tried to make it around Sainsbury's today but ended up sitting on an upturned crate in the fruit and veg aisle until mother sent me back to the car to wait). General slumbering pain which has become my constant companion. Now though, there’s a different one – a sharp, tearing pain in my right side. Sneeze, and, by God, I think I’m having a hernia. And there’s a lot of sneezing going on due to the dust that's been created by all the packing. I feel one coming, and one hand shoots up to my nose, the other straight to my stomach to squeeze it in and stop it from exploding. My family can tell when one's coming as I screw my face up in preemptive pain and generally say something very rude. They can't decided whether to laugh or take pity on me. I think I’m going to buy a gastric band to keep all my stomach muscles in place until I'm out of this sneezy house. Do you think it will work?